The Secret to Avoiding the Stomach Flu

The entire house is sick with the stomach flu. It's a bitch--vomiting and epic diarrhea. Earlier, I described it as "a deficiency of nutritional retention."  I'm proud of that.

About an hour ago, after folding two loads of laundry (I had nearly double because my toddler kept vomiting on me), emptying and refilling the dishwasher, and bleaching everything (including the skin on my hands), my dearest husband descended the stairs and asked me if I had any ideas about what he should do after vomiting for the second time in an hour. Mind you, this is after I delivered Emetrol, flattened ginger ale, rubbing alcohol for sniffing to eliminate pangs of nausea (look it up), toasted french bread, crackers, Immodium, and cottage cheese (look it up).

After all this, do I have any ideas about how to make him feel better?

Well fuckface, I noticed people around me getting sick three days ago and so I stopped eating. Yep.  I just stopped eating altogether.  I figured that if everyone around me was in agony vomiting up and shitting out everything they ate, that if I didn't eat anything, I couldn't get sick. And I've proven myself pretty damn smart.  I have nothing in my stomach, and so I have nothing to vomit and nothing to shit out. You, dearest husband, ate plenty of the from-scratch-comfort-food I made. There were four side dishes to accompany the slow cooked, expertly seasoned pork roast. You had respectable portions of all four.  I cleaned up your dishes.  I showered with your kid, three times, after he vomited on himself (and on me).

You're sick.  I'm exhausted.  Now what?

Forget all that.  Here's the secret.  If you don't want to vomit, don't eat.  Bonus secret: if you want wrinkle-free clothing, iron the crap that comes out of the dryer. Take this knowledge and promise to use it for good....